It has been a crazy year. I have grown a year older, hopefully also a year wiser. I have found it difficult to write this past year. I have had much less time to myself. But the real reason was the place I found myself in life.
Writing for me, even when I write jokes involves a moment of introspection. That is why writing makes me just a little calmer, just a little happier. The process gives me an excuse to collect my thoughts and look at life. Even if it just to pick something from my life to write about.
This past year however my life could not stand up to any introspection. I found myself in a job I did not enjoy at the end of commute that took time away from anything else which would have made the job worthwhile. I have been angry, frustrated and defeated. I have thought about what I should do rather than what I want and in doing so what I want has become hazier and hazier. I have been trying to fit in and have failed miserably.
A week ago, I finally quit my well paying job. I am unemployed yet I feel strangely free. I am just beginning to feel like myself again. I still panic every other day and feel a flood of fear and confusion. All my thoughts are clouded once again with the immediate. But once the first wave of fear has subsided, all the reasons why I am here come back. I have no idea what I am going to do next but in finding myself here I feel more alive than I have felt in a long time. My life can once again stand up to some examination and that alone is a step forward.