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Saturday, 4 June 2011

Right Now

It a beautiful sunny afternoon. It was only two weeks ago that I could not believe my good fortune on being able to sit outside in the sun on a weekday. And two weeks later I am sitting indoors in front of a book or a laptop on a bright sunny afternoon. The AHA moment that I got when I quit job has started fading and I am getting plagued with same fear and doubts that I have had for all my life.

I find myself pouncing at all examples of people who had taken some time off and then found their way back. I revisit my decision and think about if I could have somehow stayed at that job a little while longer. I reassure myself and set internal deadlines.

And today after a few days of relative fogginess it hit me that this was what got me where I am in the first place. What do I want to do in life is a very big question. But what do I want to do NOW is not. Yet I seldom ask myself that and fewer times follow through.

Here, present, right now what do I want? Our lives are full of tales of the caution for the people who don't plan for the future. Life lessons not learnt not first hand but handed down like a sacred text.

If I did not know any of these lessons, if I knew nobody else who quit their job, if I knew nobody who liked chocolate, what would I want to do?

And to start with what would I want to do right now with no thought to the future. For I am sure the secret to the bigger question lies in an answer to that.

Thank you Shubha for a related thought.

I wrote this a week back and almost didnt post it. This morning I got up again with doubts and anxiety and when I read this I feel some relative clarity come back into my thoughts...

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